(A mail truck drives through the mountain range. Patchy the Pirate stops. He appears to be parodying S.D. Kluger from Santa Claus is Comin' to Town)
Patchy: Merry Christmas, kids! I bet you're wondering why ol' Patchy has this mail truck. Well, this year, I wanted to be absolutely sure Santa got me letter. So I gave Mr. Mailman the day off.
(He puts his pirate hat on the mailman, tied up and gagged in the back of the truck, puts on his mailman hat and closes the door)
Potty: Do you even know how to get to the North Pole?
Patchy: Oh, Potty, you silly parrot. Everyone knows that the directions to the North Pole are in the lyrics of the song "Jingle Bells." (Singing) Dashing through the snow, in a... (Mumbles) Through the fields we go. La la la la la. Okay. So we're looking for some fields here.
Potty: No, Patchy, the directions to the North Pole are in the song, "There Goes Santa Claus." (Singing) There goes Santa Claus. There goes Santa Claus. Left on Santa Claus Drive, Scurvy brain.
Patchy: Yeah, well, we ain't turnin' till we see some fields.
Potty: Look out! There's a fork in the road!
Patchy: I don't see no fork.
[The truck spins after the fork gets caught in the wheel.]
Patchy: While we wait for the truck to stop spinning, let's see what SpongeBob is up to this Christmas.
Scene 1: Santa has his Jolly Little Eyes on meEdit
(The camera zooms in on Bikini Bottom and into SpongeBob's pineapple house. SpongeBob and Gary are sleeping. SpongeBob's alarm clock goes off and sleigh bells are heard instead of the foghorn noise. SpongeBob wakes up.)
SpongeBob: (singing) Oh, it's drawing very near. My favorite time of the year. (jumps up bed and goes up the ladder) The snow is falling and the cold wind blows. (cut to the diving board, he gets up on the diving board, and jumps on it) Christmas is almost here. (jumps up, automatically removing his pajamas, cut to roof, with a pair of pants hanging on it, he gets his pants on and flies out of the roof, cut to the sky) And I know that Santa, Santa. Santa has his jolly little eyes on me! (spins Christmas lights, cut to pineapple leaves, skips on the leaves) It keeps me warm and filled with glee to know Santa has his eyes on me. (Spongebob floats down wrapping his house in Christmas lights) I light my house like a Christmas tree. Fa la la la la la la la la lee. 'cause Santa, Santa, Santa has his jolly little... (A Santa hat pops out of Spongebob's head) eyes on me. (walks over to Squidward's house where Squidward is putting up lights)
SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward? What are you doing today?
Squidward: (singing) Stringing lights so Santa knows, in no uncertain terms...(turns the lights on) to GO AWAY!!
SpongeBob: Okay... (skips up to Patrick next to a box on a stick tied with string to a cookie)
SpongeBob: (singing): Santa, Santa, Santa has his jolly little eyes on me. He sees everything I do, with his left eye on me and his right eye on you!
SpongeBob: (sees the box) Ooh, what's that?
Patrick: It's a trap! A trap for Santa!
SpongeBob: Ooh. Baited with Christmas treats?
Patrick:(singing to the tune of "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy") I will trap Santa in my box. Locked up like Fort Knox and make him stop the clocks. An-an-and then we'll have Christmas all year long!
Patrick: Hey, a cookie! (Patrick goes for the cookie and the box traps him.)
SpongeBob: (singing) Ohh... Santa, Santa, Santa has his jolly little eyes on me! Fa la la la la la la la la lee! (sees Sandy's treedome) And who is that I see? Underneath her Christmas tree?
Sandy: (singing) Oh, Christmas, oh, Christmas is sweet mystery. I'll mix a dash of Christmas cheer with a candy cane and deconstructed alchemy.
SpongeBob: Merry Christmas, Sandy!
Sandy: Merry Christmas, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: (singing, skipping down to the Krusty Krab) Santa, Santa, Santa has his jolly lttle eyes on me. Hi, Mr. Krabs! Are you ready for Christmas?
Mr Krabs: (setting up Christmas lights) Why, Christmas is me favorite time of the year. After all, 'tis the season of gettin'!
SpongeBob: Don't you mean the season of giving?
Mr Krabs: Exactly! The more you give, the more I get. (Laughs)
Plankton:(singing) Oh, Santa, Santa, Santa has his eye on me. He's sees everything I've done. Every plot, plan, and scheme. It's just a bit of fun. Santa has his eye on me. Every naughty deed is written in his scroll. So every Christmas morning, I get a stocking full of coal! (Dumps out coal from his stocking)
Karen: Maybe you'd get a real present from Santa if you weren't the biggest jerk in Bikini Bottom.
Plankton: I'm way ahead of you, Karen! (Periodic Table lowers from ceiling. Plankton walks over to it and sticks a piece of notepad paper on it. The paper says Jt for Jerktonium) There is one element in the known universe that can turn even the nicest sap into the biggest jerk they can be! And I, Plankton have discovered it. Behold! (Plankton pulls a lever) Jerktonium! (a piece of jerktonium contained in a glass capsule lowers from the ceiling) I'll give everyone in Bikini Bottom a present of the most innocent of all goodies. The fruitcake. (Fruitcake is shown) And each and every slice will be laced with Jerktonium! Once ingested, no one can help becoming the biggest, creepiest, meanest jerk ever! Then Santa will realize that Sheldon .J. Plankton isn't so bad after all! And then I'll get what I really want for Christmas, the Krabby Patty secret formula! (Plankton jumps on an oven and holds the fruitcake) And now for the main ingredient, JERKTONIUM! Okay, jerktonium, do your stuff! It's complete! (Laughs) Haha! The Jerk Maker 9000 will make doling outraging fruitcake a breeze! Now, who's gonna be my first victim?
SpongeBob: Hey, Plankton! What've you got there! (Gasps) Hey! Is that a fruitcake dispenser? You don't suppose I could have a piece, do ya?
Plankton: Sure thing, fruitcake! Here you go! (Presses button on the dispenser as a robotic arm gives SpongeBob a fruitcake!)
SpongeBob: Ooh, ooh! HOT! HOT! HOT! (Takes a bite) Wow! This is great!
Plankton: So, how do you feel, kinda cranky?
Plankton: Sorta surley?
Plankton: Maybe just a little bit jerky?
SpongeBob: No. I feel just how this cake tastes! Absouloutley delicious!
Plankton: Hmm... He must have gotten a piece without jerktonium! Here. Have some more.
SpongeBob: Don't mind if I do! (Eats the fruitcake)
Plankton: How's your dander? Is it up?
SpongeBob: No. How could I possibly be angry when my taste buds are swimming in Christmas cheer? (He takes another piece; cut to inside of his mouth)
Taste bud: Oh boy, here comes some more! Yaaaay!
Plankton: Grrr! Have some more! (He fires a piece into SpongeBob's mouth) Have a whole loaf! (The arm stuffs a loaf into SpongeBob's mouth) Have a baker's dozen! (He fires many fruitcakes into SpongeBob's mouth) Well?
SpongeBob: Well … (He swallows) I think everyone should taste your amazing fruitcake!
Plankton: You know what? Knock yourself out. (He throws SpongeBob the keys to the dispenser) Stupid hunk of junk-tonium! My gift to Bikini Bottom. Boy, oh, boy. (He goes back into the Chum Bucket)
SpongeBob:(Rides the dispenser up to 3 carollers) Hello, fellow revellers! Would you like a Christmas treat?
Bill: Why sure, SpongeBob!
Fish 2: Yeah, who doesn't like treats?
SpongeBob: (Dives into the dispenser and emerges with a plate of fruitcake) Nothing loosens up the old pipes like some fruitcake. Dig in!
(They all take a piece)
Fish 2: It's like a present for my mouth!
SpongeBob: I knew you'd like it.
Bill:(Grows bushy eyebrowns, bags under his eyes, and five-o'clock shadow) Hey! Did we come here to sing or eat fancy cake?
Fish 2: Whoa, calm down, Bill! What do you want to sing?
Bill: Well, I want to sing the only Christmas song that matters, and that's “Jingle Bells”. From the top! A one and a two and a –
Fish 3:(Turns into a jerk) No, hold your holly! We're singing the best Christmas song ever, and that's “Silver Bells”!
Bill: Wrong bells, buddy!
Fish 2:(Turns into a jerk) Hey, I want to sing “Randolph the Red-nosed Seahorse”!
(They all continue to argue)
SpongeBob: (Driving away, unaware that they have been poisoned with jerktonium) Great to see people so passionate about the holidays.
Plankton: (Emerges from the Chum Bucket on a unicycle) What's all the racket? What do you know, the jerktonium seems to work on these jerks. Very interesting.
SpongeBob: Oh boy, a Christmas parade! The perfect occasion to spread some mouthwatering joy. (Singing) Oh, everyone try some hot fruitcake today. Eat it all up and you will shout “hooray!”
SpongeBob: Everyone can get behind a mouthful of warm sunshine, everyone eat a Christmas time cliché. (People start turning into jerks; somebody pops a kid's balloon, another person smashes a gift over somebody's head, Pearl squirts water at passers by) Everyone can get behind a mouthful of Christmas time, let's all eat some hot fruitcake today!
Plankton: (Cycling through the rioting town) This just keeps getting better and better.
Costumed Santa:(On a float, with a boy on his knee) Ho ho ho! So, little boy, what would you like for Christmas?
Boy: I want a sled and truck and a bike and a train …
SpongeBob: Hi, Santa! Have some fruitcake. (He throws a piece)
Boy: And a water pistol and a helicopter and – and, uh …
Santa:(Turns into a jerk) Well, why don't you get a job and buy all that junk yourself? And while you're at it try brushing your teeth you little -
SpongeBob: Have some fruitcake! (Hands a piece to the float driver)
Driver: Thanks! (Turns into a jerk) That's it, I'm outta here. (He leaves the float and it crashes off the end of a cliff)
Boy:(Bouncing on Santa's belly) Weeee! Oh yeah, and I want a trampoline!
Plankton: Success! Soon all the Bikini Bottomites will be jerks! Now I just need to figure out what to do about old SpongeBoy.
(Cut to Plankton's lab)
Karen: Once again your master plan is fatally flawed. (She brings up a diagram) It seems that SpongeBob's innocent love of the holidays shields his heart from the effects of jerktonium.
SpongeBob Diagram: Dahaha! That tickles.
Plankton: Drat! That square-head's gonna throw my whole naughty to nice curve right off! I guess it's time to introduce Plan B. (He pulls a lever and a robot SpongeBob drops from the ceiling) Hahahahaha! Plan B, meet Karen. Now go, my automated agent of naughtiness, go and destroy SpongeBob's good name! (He laughs evilly but nothing happens) Huh? Oh yeah. (He winds up a key in the robot's back)
Sponge-Bot: I am ready! I am ready! I am ready! Ready to destroy Christmas! (Flames shoot from his nose; he leaves the Chum Bucket and destroys a car, then heads for the Krusty Krab)
Mr Krabs: What's goin' on out here? Oh, it's just you, SpongeBob. (Sponge-Bot burns the Krusty Krab sign, which collapses on Mr Krabs)
Plankton: Oh, SpongeBob, you've been a bad, bad toy!
(The mail truck is still spinning out of control and finally comes to rest. The bound and gagged mailman escapes and jumps away)
Patchy: I can't believe we survived that horrifying car accident without a scratch. (He gets out of the truck and slips on the ice) Ow! (He notices the fork in the tire) Aw, here's the problem. Oh, that's not good. Flat tire, huh? Looks as sad as an empty bag of beef. Brrr! It's cold up here. Why don't you kids at home go make a nice hot cup of cocoa while Potty builds me a fire.
(Cut to black for commercial break, then re-opens on a scene of Potty and Patchy huddled around a fire)
Patchy:(Shivering) Hello, kiddies. It's so cold, me eye patch cracked. There hasn't been any food or water, food or food for over 20 minutes. (Coughs) Boy, I could sure go for some buffalo wings right about now. Sounds good. Eh, Potty? (He looks at Potty, imagining him as a plate of buffalo wings) With a side of blue cheese dressing. (He grabs a fork, licks his lips, and lunges at Potty who flies up and Patchy bites on the log Potty is sitting on)
Potty: Squawk! What are you doing?
Patchy: I'm sorry, Potty, I don't know what got into me. I'm just so hungry!
Potty: It's OK, Patchy, I can't stay mad at you. (He imagines Patchy's head as a suet cake and licks his beak)
Patchy: Why are you looking at me like that, bird? (Potty pecks at his head) What are you doing?
Frankie: Merry Christmas to you, too, Johnny. (Throws a snowball in Johnny's face)
SpongeBob: More like bad will! Gosh, if people don't start acting nicer, Santa's going to fly right past Bikini Bottom this Christmas Eve! I'm gonna need some help. (He knocks on Squidward's door) Squidward!
Squidward: (From inside) I'm not home!
SpongeBob: Oh gosh, what do I do now?
Squidward: Why don't you go bother Sandy?
SpongeBob: Good idea, Squidward. I'll have to thank you when you get home. (He leaves, and Sponge-Bot walks up to Squidward's house, pounding on the door)
Squidward: I said I'm not home! (Sponge-Bot wrenches the door off it's hinges) SpongeBob, give me back my door! (The robot smashes it over Squidward's head)
(Cut to Sandy's treedome)
SpongeBob: Sandy, Sandy! I need your help! It's Christmas Eve and everyone in Bikini Bottom are acting like jerks! You gotta help me find out why.
Sandy:(Turns around and bares her teeth, scaring SpongeBob) Why should I help all them jerks?
SpongeBob: Because those jerks don't care about Christmas any more, Sandy! It's a problem.
Sandy: Problem? My only problem is I'm out of fruitcake. Only thing I've got left to eat are boring old nuts. (She throws one at SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: Oh, the problem isn't the fruitcake! The problem is that everyone, including you, is acting like a jerk! Oh, I'll have to solve this on my own. (He turns to leave and slips on a nut, accidentally throwing the fruitcake into Sandy's Christmas analyser) Whoa!
Sandy: Dagnabbit, SpongeBob, you got fruitcake in my Christmas magic analyser! (An alarm sounds) Well, I'll be a hornswaggle. My analyser's found something in the fruitcake! (She looks at the reading and gasps) This is terrible!
SpongeBob: What is it, Sandy?
Sandy: The fruitcake is contaminated with jerktonium! No wonder I've been as ornery as a sidewinder on a hot driveway. Jerktonium is the orneriest element of them all and your fruitcake is full of it. Where'd you get that fruitcake, anyway?
SpongeBob: From Plankton, he baked it.
Sandy: You took food from Plankton and fed it to everyone in town?
Sandy: You're an idiot.
Sandy: No wonder everyone in town is a big old meanie.
SpongeBob: Oh! I've eaten tons of that fruitcake! I must be the biggest jerk in town!
Sandy:(Pokes him) Hmm … You don't act jerky. For some reason it's not affecting you. (She puts a scanner in front of him) It must be a combination of your tiny brain and pure heart. You're immune to jerktonium, SpongeBob, but the rest of us will need an antidote. I'll set the analyser to calculate the formula. (She pulls a switch and a music score pops out) Why, this formula for the antidote don't make no sense at all!
SpongeBob: Hmm … That's not formula! That's a song! (He hums it, and Sandy becomes her normal self) Sandy! The song is the antidote!
(Cut to downtown Bikini Bottom, where people are still rioting)
(He clicks his fingers and mistletoe appears over the heads of the two fish he fed Plankton's fruitcake to, curing them of jerktonium poisoning. He clicks again and a pile of presents appears, curing two other fish. A little boy begins to play Christmas baubles like bells)
SpongeBob:(Singing) Bring joy to the world, it's the thing to do, but the world does not revolve around you, don't be a jerk, it's Christmas! (Throws a snowball at Mr Krabs and cures him)
Be nice to babies and animals, old folks, too. 'Cause that's how you'd like them to treat you! Use turn signals. Don't screen my calls. Don't you wreck the house when you deck the halls.
Spit your gum where it won't wind up on my shoe. squeeze toothpaste from the bottom of the tube. Don't be a jerk. It's Christmas! It's Christmas!
(Hands a gift to Pearl, who continues to pass it down a line, curing people as they receive it, except for Squidward, who is unaffected)
When others are talking, never interrupt. Don't put people down or leave the toilet seat up. It's the time for family and holly and turkey. 'Tis the season to be jolly not jerky!
Chorus: Jolly, not jerky!
SpongeBob: Santa brought nearly every gift on your list. Why whine about the one that he missed? Don't be a jerk, it's Christmas! It's Christmas! Don't be a jerk, it's Christmas!
Santa: You're clearly a very good lad. Unlike the owner of that wind-up monstrosity! (An elf hands him the wind-up key) What have you got there? "If found, please return to the Chum Bucket."?!? Sheldon!!!
Plankton: Uh oh.
Mr Krabs: Hand it over, Plankton. Don't make it any worse. (Takes the Krabby Patty formula back and flings Plankton at Santa's sleigh)
Santa: OK, boys, let's give Sheldon what he deserves. (The elves pour coal onto Plankton) So long, kiddies! (He flies away)
SpongeBob: Hey! Has anyone seen Patrick?
Patrick:(Hiding on Santa's sleigh) Gotcha! (Catches Santa in a net, sending the sleigh off course)
Patchy: Santa! (He sits on Santa's lap and pulls out his letter) There's only thing I wants for Christmas! And it's to meet me hero, SpongeBob SquarePants. (Santa sprinkles magic dust on Patchy, then the illusion breaks and Patchy realises he's in a cave with a bear who sprinkled him with salt because hewants to eat him. The bear chases him. The scene then cuts to Potty standing next to Santa)
Santa: I think stealing a mail truck definitely counts as naughty. Wouldn't you say, Potty?